


Karma's a Bitch

by KiaraSayre



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky deliberately pissing Steve off, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Gen, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-03 23:33:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1759715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiaraSayre/pseuds/KiaraSayre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Sam get Bucky a dog.  The regrets begin almost immediately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karma's a Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Desdemon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Desdemon/pseuds/Desdemon) forever ago on tumblr; just realized I never crossposted it here.

"I'm just saying - it's a thing," says Sam. "It's comforting. A living creature that they can talk to that won't judge them."

" _I_ won't judge him!" Steve protests. "He knows I won't, I've told him a hundred times - "

"There's knowing, and there's _knowing_ ," Sam says. "And you're, you know."

Steve frowns. "I'm what?"

"You're _you_ ," Sam says. "You make people want to be, I don't know, better. And he doesn't know how to _be_ better right now, so maybe he just...could use some simple, uncomplicated support."

"By getting him a dog," Steve says flatly.

"I'm telling you, it's a thing!" Sam says.

 

There are organizations that provide already-trained therapy dogs, shaggy adorable golden retrievers. They go to talk to some people, and one flops over on command, right over Sam's shoes, and looks up at him with a _my belly's right there and you know you want to rub it_ gleam in its eye and Sam damn near adopts it on the spot.

"We're here for Bucky," Steve says, but he's looking at the dog too. He still seems slightly more immune to its charms than Sam - he's smiling at it but not falling over himself - and Sam wonders if the serum did that, too. Accelerated healing, an extra foot of height, and a hardened heart in the face of a golden retriever with a lolling tongue and a dumbass doggy grin.

"I know," Sam says, and follows Steve to look at some others.

"This isn't going to work," Steve says quietly somewhere around dog number three, having nixed the first two. "And I don't mean dogs in general, I just mean - this isn't _Bucky_."

"Right now, _Bucky_ isn't really Bucky. That's the whole problem."

"Aren't you supposed to match the temperament of the dog to the temperament of the owner?" Steve says.

Sam looks down at dog number three. His name is Roscoe, and he's lying down with his head on his front paws. Sam could probably drop a dictionary next to his head and he wouldn't flinch.

"All right, yeah, that's a fair point," Sam says.

 

They try a shelter next, because it seemed like a good idea at the time, and Steve stops in front of the cage of a pitbull rescue. According to the placard, his name is Pete, he's about two years old, and he was rescued from a fight ring and is now looking for his forever home. Pete is mostly white, splotched with enough gray to look almost like photonegative stars, with cropped ears and the most fuck-you look that Sam has ever seen on a dog's face. It's not aggressive, it's just a look that says _you want to start something then I will damn well end it_.

"This one," says Steve.

"You gotta be - "

"You can try Bucky, but he'll say the same thing."

So they do try Bucky - they come back to the shelter the next day with him, and he's quiet but twitchy as they pass the elderly cocker spaniel and the already-housebroken terrier mix, but he - of course - stops at Pete's cage.

Pete looks up, just for a second, and meets Bucky's eyes. Then Pete lets out a noise that could be a sneeze or a snort, and puts his head back down and goes to sleep. The message is clear: _you're beneath my freaking notice_.

"This one," Bucky says.

"God _damn_ it," Sam says.

 

"Of course you can rename him, but we recommend something that's close to the name he's got now, or at least rhymes," the lady says as they fill out the adoption paperwork. "Do you have something in mind?"

"Yeah," says Bucky, and leans in a little past Sam so he can meet Steve's eyes with something like a smirk on his face. "I'm gonna call him Steve."

"Something like Steve would be perfect," the lady says, oblivious to the way Steve's breathing is suddenly choked.

"I think he looks like a Steve, don't you?" Bucky adds, still watching Steve.

"You son of a bitch," Steve mutters.

"Technically, Steve's the son of a bitch," Bucky says, and the smile he gives Steve is vicious. Sam puts down his pen, excuses himself for a moment, and bursts out laughing just as soon as the door closes behind him.

 

Steve tries to spin it as a positive when they get back to Sam's house.

"If he's making jokes that bad, he's already feeling more like himself," Steve says.

"Uh-huh," Sam says. "If Steve pisses in the house, I'm not cleaning it up."

 

Steve pisses in the house.

Sam cleans it up, and reevaluates _so many_ of his life choices.

 

Steve doesn't bite, or growl at people, or even react to Sam coming into a room except a leisurely, unconcerned look before he goes back to shedding all over Sam's furniture.

Bucky insists on walking Steve, and actual-person-Steve insists on going with them. About two seconds later, Steve (the person) sprints back into the house, grabs a plastic bag (Sam had deliberately stopped bringing his reusable bags to the grocery store a few weeks ago in anticipation of urban dog ownership and certain laws about picking up after your pets within the District), and sprints back out.

Apparently Steve (the dog) does pretty well on the leash, except that he stops every few feet to sniff and then piss on any and every little thing he finds interesting.

"Look, I'm going to do what's best for my carpets no matter what I said earlier, but I really am drawing the line at walking him," Sam says.

"I think Bucky likes to do it," Steve says, looking into the living room from Sam's kitchen, where they're talking quietly over the simmering sauce that will go on their dinner. "It gives him something to concentrate on while being outside. Pete did growl at another dog, though." Steve sighs.

"You know you're the only one calling him that, right?" Sam says.

"It was his name at the shelter," Steve says stubbornly. "I don't want to confuse him."

"Uh-huh," says Sam. "You feeling ready to tackle movies with Nazis? Because I think it's time for us to watch some Indiana Jones movies."

 

They watch Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. (Sam skips Temple of Doom without comment, because, one, the whole brainwashing thing was traumatizing enough when Sam was a kid that he thinks someone with actual personal experience with that kind of thing wouldn't appreciate it, and also because it's kind of a shitty movie.)

Sam takes the armchair, Steve takes the couch, and Bucky sits on the floor. Steve (the dog) wanders into the room as Marion Ravenwood takes a shot of vodka, and, to Sam's surprise, curls up right in front of Bucky's legs, laying his head on Bucky's lap.

"I guess Steve likes me best," Bucky says, smug as hell, as he rests one hand on Steve's head. "But Steve's just a giant softie, isn't he? Aren't you, Steve?"

Steve (the human) makes a soft noise of frustration, and Sam takes a swig of his beer to keep from laughing.

It's absolutely and completely worth it when they get to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

"We named the _dog_ Indiana," Sean Connery says on the screen, and one of the couch cushions hits Sam in the face, packing all the punch of a genetically-engineered supersoldier, and Bucky is curled over doggy-Steve because he's laughing so hard.

It's still worth it.

 

Over the next few weeks, doggy-Steve and Bucky are basically inseparable. Bucky takes him for walks, starts teaching him to sit and lie down and stay, fills the DVR and Netflix queue with more episodes of Cesar Milan's Dog Whisperer than Sam knew existed, and, Sam discovers when his foot comes down wrong on an unexpected tree branch in his running trail and limps home early, sleeps with doggy-Steve tucked up against him with his adorable doggy head on Bucky's shoulder.

It's cute enough that Sam steps over them, despite the fact that they're lying in the middle of the living room carpet.

 

And, okay, it's pretty hilarious when Bucky gets a tag made for doggy-Steve with his name and Bucky's (well, Sam's) phone number on one side and the American flag on the other, and insists on calling it a dog tag.

 

"So you're obviously doing this deliberately," Sam says to Bucky one day when Steve (the human) has gotten fed up with Bucky running around the house yelling, "Who's a good boy, Steve? Are you a very good boy? Yes, Steve, you're _such a good boy_!" and has gone for a job. "Can I ask why?"

Bucky doesn't even stop rubbing Steve (the dog)'s ears to answer. "He's been walking on eggshells around me ever since I moved in," he says, and then looks up to grin at Sam. "Trust me. Once I piss him off enough, he'll get over it and go back to normal."

Sam nods. "I can respect that."

 

Sam does more than respect that. Sam buys a doghouse and a custom sign with engraved bones around the name "STEVE," and sets it up in the living room while Bucky and Steve (the human) are out doing one of their nostalgia tours of the Smithsonian, which Steve (the human) insists is not narcissism but is very important to Bucky's recovery. (Which doesn't explain why Bucky came back with a framed print of all of the Howling Commandoes with "AMERICA'S TRUE HEROES" in very solemn letters below them, although based on the stories Steve - the person - and Bucky have told, Sam thinks it might be irony.)

When they get back, Sam discovers that Bucky has somehow learned what a high-five is, and Steve has a look in his eye that usually means some Nazis are about to die.

" _Traitor_ ," Steve whispers to Sam, while Bucky helps Steve (the dog) investigate his new digs.

"Look at him," Sam says, jerking his head in their direction. "He's so happy. I just wanted to see him smile."

"I'm changing your codename to match mine," Steve says. "You're much more of a Captain Bullshit."

"Could somebody bring the paper towels?" Bucky calls. "Steve had a little accident on the carpet."

"See?" says Sam. "This was the _best_ idea."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Karma's a Bitch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3550079) by [KiaraSayre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiaraSayre/pseuds/KiaraSayre), [reena_jenkins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reena_jenkins/pseuds/reena_jenkins)




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